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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29202810">Neither Here Nor There</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreathingSaturnsRings/pseuds/BreathingSaturnsRings'>BreathingSaturnsRings</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Clexa Week, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, F/F, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:13:53</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,053</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29202810</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreathingSaturnsRings/pseuds/BreathingSaturnsRings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Clarke Griffin/Lexa</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>46</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>2032</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Have you seen it yet?”</em>
  <br/>
  <em>“No, I haven’t wanted to.”</em>
  <br/>
  <em>“You know she’s watched it, what is she going to do?”</em>
  <br/>
  <em>“That is for her to decide. I think she should design a new one.”</em>
  <br/>
  <em>“She doesn’t like doing that.”</em>
  <br/>
  <em>“But it is her duty.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Clarke jolted awake, or rather back into being fully conscious. She had almost fallen asleep in the chair she was currently slouched in, tucked away in the farthest of the resident rooms. Her eyes flickered to the door left slightly ajar, looking for the source of the conversation she thought she had overheard. There wasn’t any movement immediately outside of the room, but it was most likely a TV someone had turned on too loudly. Clarke groaned and checked her watch, picking up her lukewarm coffee and taking a sip of the bitter yet watery drink. She had been awake for around 32 hours now, it was no wonder that she felt so disoriented. She headed into the bathroom down the hallway and splashed water on her face, taking a moment to breathe<br/><em>“Ai don sen in chit bilaik ai gaf sen in”</em> Clarke strained her ears, stopping mid splash this time.<br/><em>“Den dula yu dula”</em> Another voice, this one clearer. Clarke shut off the water and walked to the bathroom door, opening it lightly. She looked around the hallway, empty save for a few quiet nurses talking by a common space.<br/><em>“Jus drein jus daun”</em> This time the voice sounded like it was right behind her. She jumped and whipped her head back, to the same empty bathroom she had just been in. She felt goosebumps raise on her arms and she shuddered, closing the door behind her and taking off at a brisk pace back to her rounds.<br/>She finished checking in with two patients by the time her phone chimed. She looked down at her phone and swore underneath her breath, heading towards the triage center. She found who she was looking for before she got there, his dark red scrubs giving him away.<br/>“Hey, Monty!” She called. He turned around and smiled as Clarke approached.<br/>“Whats up, Clarke?”<br/>“Can you grab some vitals on these three patients? I have to run down to PT wing.”<br/>“Oh shit, is it already 3?” Clarke nodded as she gently slid her clip board onto the stack of papers he was already carrying.<br/>“I’m sorry to leave you with this when you look so busy, but you know how she gets.”<br/>“Oh don’t worry about it, I told you I would. Just lost track of time, is all.”<br/>“Thank you, Monty.” Clarkes smile almost reached her eyes.<br/>“No problem! And tell Raven I said hi.”<br/>“Will do!” She turned on her heel and headed quickly for the elevator doors.<br/>The elevator ride was short but quiet, and she felt queasy the second it started to descend. She tried to shake off the feeling, but it only got worse when the doors opened. She took a moment to steady herself against the wall before sucking in a deep breath and emerging into the hallway. She hadn't eaten enough, and hadn't slept enough on top of that. That must have been why her body was revolting. She made a mental note to swing by the cafeteria after overseeing Ravens PT. Since the accident 15 months ago, Raven had been improving with her leg steadily. However, her progress had been plateauing recently, which did not sit well with her. She had been getting more angry and frustrated with every session, lashing out at Clarke and even Abby on occasion. Clarke scanned the room, which was buzzing with activity, people on the machines and mats and trainers helping most everyone. There were people waiting to get water from the small dispenser, and one man digging through a duffel bag. Clarke caught sight of her stretching on a mat in the corner, hair pulled up and bomber jacket cast aside. Clarke softened at seeing her struggle to move her leg, but she was going to get better. She had to. She was pulled out of her thoughts when Lincoln approached, smiling softly.<br/>"How're you today?" His voice was low and he turned to watch Raven with her.<br/>"Hanging in there. How are you?"<br/>"I'm okay, just getting through my last day until Octavia and I head to the West Coast."<br/>"I forgot you were leaving! How long are you gone?"<br/>"Just a week, enough to hike some of Washington and Oregon."<br/>"You two are unreal. Instead of a romantic anniversary getaway, you're really just going to traverse the woods nonstop."<br/>"It is a romantic getaway." He chided, eyebrows wiggling. She slapped at his arm and chuckled lightly, returning her attention back to Raven.<br/>"Should we get over there?"<br/>"I suppose we should." Clarke fell behind Lincoln, letting him lead through the room.<br/>"Raven!" He greeted cheerily, flicking on his thousand watt smile. Raven grunted an unintelligible response, now on her back and pulling her knee to her chest, wincing through it. "I wish all of my patients were as determined as you." His smile was softer now, kneeling down to assist her back into a sitting position. Clarke kneeled on her other side, and they pulled her up together. Raven released Lincoln and supported herself on Clarke, resting her head in Clarke's shoulder. Clarke pressed a kiss to her temple and slicked back a few escaped hairs with her free hand.<br/>"I thought mama Griffin was taking over Tuesdays with your shift change."<br/>"That's next week, I just had Monty cover for me today."<br/>"You owe that kid a nice dinner, for all he does for you."<br/>"I think I owe him a high rise apartment, at this point."<br/>"Can you get one for me and O, while you're at it?" Lincoln chimed in.<br/>"You literally both make more than me. I'm still in my last year of residency."<br/>"But then you'll be rolling in it." Raven stated<br/>"Rolling in what, student debt?" Clarke retorted, not wanting to think about how much medical school had cost her.<br/>"Okay but after that."<br/>"I'll tell you what, in 20 years, when I'm well off and debt free, I'll get you both something nice."<br/>"How nice?"<br/>"A 20$ gift card to Target nice."<br/>"You're an ass" Lincoln laughed, and Raven tickled Clarke's side. Clarke swatted her hand away and changed her grip on Raven, who just dramatically put more weight on her.<br/>"Okay, time to get you to the bars." Lincoln intervened, stopping the sisters from turning the small interaction into a full on squabble. He looped her other arm around her neck and they walked her over to the bars, placing her hands on the cold metal and slowly transferring her weight. She stood on her good leg and steeled her expression, gripping so tightly her knuckles were wite. She gingerly put weight on her left foot, biting her cheek as she did so. Clarke and Lincoln followed her step for step, watching the movement of her legs. She met Lincoln's eyes and both of them exchanged a silent conversation. Raven wasn't getting any better. By the look on her face, she knew it, too.<br/>"You think NASA will still let me train if I just cut this leg off and get a prosthetic?" Raven tried to joke, but her voice was dark.<br/>"Raven, sometimes people stay stagnant for a while until they get better." Lincoln consoled softly.<br/>"I don't have the time to get better. I'm supposed to be halfway across the country training!" She seethed, forcing herself to step faster than she was capable of. Lincoln put a hand on her arm to stop her, and she shot him a withering glare. She opened her mouth to deliver what Clarke was sure would be a scathing remark, but she didn't hear it.<br/><em>"See, right there."</em><br/><em>"I know, I've seen this before."</em><br/><em>"But it's not a random act. Look at his mannerisms."</em><br/><em>"I'm aware."</em><br/><em>"Were you able to see his history?"</em><br/><em>"Nau"</em><br/><em>"What would you like us to do?"</em><br/><em>"Leave me."</em><br/><em>"Heda, you can't keep watching this in hopes to find something new."</em><br/><em>"113 people, Anya. The whole labor ward."</em><br/><em>"You can't keep getting hung up on these things. There's too many now. You can't keep going at this pace."</em><br/><em>"Shop of"</em><br/><em>"Heda-"</em><br/><em>"Leave me"</em><br/>Clarke blinked rapidly at the hands around her arms pulling her up.<br/>"Clarke, come on."<br/>"Is she okay?" Her hand flitted to her head, throbbing with the fall.<br/>"Clarke, talk to me." Lincoln's face swam into view.<br/>"Yeah I'm. I'm okay." She breathed out, looking around in a foggy confusion. Everything was still the same. Raven on the bar, now sheet white and full of concern, people on machines, trainers with the people, a line for the water, and the man with the duffel bag. The man with the.. he seemed so familiar. The floppy hair, the box of his shoulders. She squinted her eyes, trying to fight through the fog in her brain. There were warning bells in her head that she couldn't properly understand with the full throb pulsating behind her eyes.<br/>"Who is that?" She asked, still staring at him<br/>"What do you mean? Who?" Lincolns voice was laced with worry. "We should get you upstairs, Clarke."<br/>"I don't want to go upstairs, I want.." she trailed off, trying to get to her feet. Lincoln held her down.<br/>"Can I get some water over here?" He called out. A nearby worker cut the line and grabbed her a dixie cup, overfilling it slightly. Clarke watched it drip to the ground as the worker hurried it over to her. The drips hit the black floor with a small splat, the cup sloshing. She focused on the printing of the dixie cup. Her ears were ringing and her headache was getting worse by the second. She looked back to the man with the duffel bag, concentration snapping into place. In that moment, a wave of intense heat, an excruciating pain, a deafening sound, and then simply nothing.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke jolted awake, or rather back into being fully conscious. She had almost fallen asleep in the chair she was currently slouched in, tucked away in the farthest of the resident rooms. She reached for her coffee and winced at the flavor. Hospital station coffee was almost as bad as the food. The lights flickered and she felt a sudden pain in her side. She sucked in a sharp breath and held her hand there, applying pressure. Probably just cramps, she was near her cycle anyways. She waited until it subsided and stood up, feeling slightly dizzy.<br/><em>"There are anomalies"</em><br/><em>"We need to get Heda"</em><br/><em>"How long has it been happening?"</em><br/><em>"Probably the last hundred or so. I noticed it a while ago, but it's getting worse."</em><br/><em>"Jok."</em><br/>Clarke held onto the arm of the chair for support, feeling nauseous now. She looked around for whoever was talking to get help, but she was alone in the room. She made her way to the hallway, and saw a few nurses down the hall.<br/>"Can someone bring me water?" She called out weakly. She could hardly hear her own voice. No one else could, apparently. She stumbled to the bathroom and splashed water in her face.<br/><em>"How long has it been since the time someone saw?"</em><br/><em>"I don't know. I think it's been 13 years."</em><br/><em>"You think that's what's happening?"</em><br/><em>"I'm not sure. This one is different."</em><br/>"Stop" Clarke said out loud, weakly. She covered her ear. "Stop talking." Silence followed. She took in a shaky breath, leaning forward and bracing herself against the edges of the sink.<br/><em>"Get Heda now."</em> The tone was urgent. Clarke felt a hot tear roll down her cheek. "I said stop" she managed to make her voice a little louder. Nothing responded. She scrubbed at her face and turned from the mirror, stumbling through the halls to triage.<br/>"Monty" she croaked, upon seeing his deep red scrubs. He turned around and smiled as Clarke approached<br/>"What's up, Clarke?"<br/>"I don't feel right, Monty."<br/>“Oh shit, is it already 3?”<br/>"What? I. I don't know what time it is."<br/>“Oh don’t worry about it, I told you I would. Just lost track of time, is all.”<br/>"Monty what are you talking about?" She felt panic break through her headache, her heart spiking in her chest.<br/>“No problem! And tell Raven I said hi.”<br/>Raven. Physical Therapy. 3pm. She felt her feet carry her to the elevator, and braced her entire weight against the wall. The doors slid open and she lurched forward, barely staying upright in the room. A wave of heat rolled over her. She felt a tearing pain in her stomach, and she doubled over.<br/><em>"Oh fuck. Oh fuck, this is not good."</em><br/>"Stop talking" she pleaded lightly, tears freely streaming down her face. She looked up and saw people on machines. Trainers with the people. Raven in the corner. A line for the water. A man with a duffel bag. She stepped forward but her pain grew worse, and she pressed a shaking hand to her abdomen. When she pulled it away it came back thick with blood. She gasped and fell back into the elevator, but now there were eyes staring back at her, shocked and wide. She tried to ask for help, but the stranger just stared at her, unmoving. Finally, through blurry vision she saw the woman bend down, felt hands around her arms. A quick dragging sensation, and then nothing. She couldn't feel her body at all, and she finally folded underneath the weariness that had infected her bones for what felt like years now.</p><p>
  <em>"You pulled her out?"</em>
  <br/>
  <em>"I couldn't just leave her! She was about to break the entire room, the course has already changed"</em>
  <br/>
  <em>"Jok, Anya"</em>
  <br/>
  <em>"We have to tell Heda"</em>
  <br/>
  <em>"Not yet, she's finally resting. And who knows if this one will wake up"</em>
</p><p>Clarke tried to open her eyes, but could only get them to crack open. A sliver of dim light, dark colors, but she couldn't make anything out. She couldn't see the source of the voices, either. Maybe they had already left, maybe it was a long time ago. Maybe they hadn't been there at all.<br/>When she woke next, it took her several minutes to gather herself. She was laying down, in a bed that was made crisply around her. The walls were bare, and there were no windows. There was one small table in the corner, and a door on the opposite wall of the bed. She moved to sit up and her hand flew to her stomach. No pain, no blood, nothing. She pulled up her scrubs to see her stomach looking the same as it always had. She swung her legs off the edge of the bed and clenched her fingers around the white sheets. Something didn't feel right, her body felt numb. She looked around for any sign of drugs administered to her, any saline bags or medical equipment at all. She saw none. A deep seed of panic lodged in her stomach, and she stood up, testing her legs. There was no shakiness, no fatigue or weakness she could sense. That was good, it meant she hadn't been down long. She was in the same clothes, that was for sure. She wasn't injured, and if anything, felt groggy like coming out of a good nap. Did someone put her in a private room she hadn't seen before to sleep it off? She laughed to herself, putting her head in her hands. She had been delusional, she was sure. Enough coffee, sleep deprivation, and not eating could do that to you. She had experienced her fair share of rough days throughout med school and her residency, but she must have just cracked finally. She had heard about that happening before, of course. Clarke closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths, willing the fear in her body to quiet. This was all just a big fucked up dream, anyways. She steeled her expression and made her way to the door with more embarrassment at this point than anything else. Her hand closed around the metal, and pushed down. It didn't open.</p><p>2030</p><p>Clarke opened her eyes slowly, adjusting to the bright light filtering into the room<br/>"Come on, bitch! It's a good day."<br/>Clarke groaned at the invasion of her room.<br/>"Maybe for you."<br/>"Hell yeah for me! Now get up."<br/>"Can't you just move by yourself?"<br/>"No. Absolutely not. Wake up." Clarke pulled her pillow over her head. She heard Octavia exit her room and she sighed, further nuzzling into her cozy nest of warm blankets. No more than a minute later, she heard two sets of feet pounding down the hallway.<br/>"Please no" she whispered into her pillow, bracing her body for impact. Raven and Octavia burst through the door and launched into Clarke's bed, a mess of hair and elbows and laughter.<br/>"You're both the WORST"<br/>"Come on, Clarkey. Time to wake up." Octavia chimed.<br/>"I worked the last three days. Can't I sleep?"<br/>"No way. You don't get to use that excuse with us. We picked jobs with god awful hours, too." Raven quipped, much too gleefully.<br/>"Why are you so happy that she's moving out?" Clarke grumbled at Raven<br/>"I'm not happy to see her go. But I'll finally get to turn her room into a workshop now."<br/>At this Clarke shot up.<br/>"I wanted to use it for painting."<br/>"No dice, princess. Art is your hobby. Engineering is my livelyhood. Besides, you can make both rooms into whatever you want when I head off to NASA." Clarke scoffed.<br/>"What, in three years? I don't think so. We can split the room. 50/50."<br/>"70/30" Raven countered. Clarke opened her mouth when Octavia interrupted them<br/>"You are both vultures. I can't believe it. My room is still fresh and you're fighting over it like vultures.”<br/>“You could just stay, instead” Clarke wrapped her arms around Octavia and pulled her small body into her lap. Octavia didn't fight it, and instead snuggled into Clarke further.<br/>“You guys are gross” Raven scoffed. At this, Clarke and Octavia both grabbed wildly for Raven, using their combined strength to wrestle her in between the both of them. Clarke cooed and Raven started making gagging sounds, Octavia’s laughter muffled with her face pressed against Raven’s back.<br/>“I’m officially glad you’re leaving” Raven grumbled.<br/>“Take it back.” Octavia gasped.<br/>“I won’t”<br/>“Take it back, now.”<br/>“You can’t make me.” Octavia took this challenge seriously, eyes narrowing as she wrapped her legs around Raven’s waist and started digging her fingers into Raven’s ribs<br/>“Ow, fuck off!” she shouted through bubbles of laughter. Clarke separated from the two and kept her distance from the whole ordeal. She knew Octavia’s signature move, and it really did tickle and hurt simultaneously. Clarke watched with amusement as the two women flopped back and forth on the bed, getting in cheap shots and dissolving into bouts of laughter. A stray hand narrowly missed her face as it went by, and Clarke threw her body pillow at the pair.<br/>“Enough, children. Behave yourselves.”<br/>“Says you.”<br/>“No backtalk!” She sassed before climbing out of bed and throwing on a worn sweatshirt draped over her chair. “Moma needs her coffee.”<br/>“Stop referring to yourself as moma, Clarke. It’s weird.” Octavia nodded her head in agreement<br/>“Why is it weird?” She hopped on her left leg for a moment, trying to push her right foot into a fuzzy sock.<br/>“You don’t have any kids.”<br/>“Ah, but I do have you two, and that’s close enough." She wrestled her left foot into the other sock and started making her way to the kitchen, Octavia and Raven in tow.<br/>“As if, I’m the most mature one.” Raven boasted, smirking at Octavia’s furrowed brow. They both slid into their respective barstools, and Clarke moved to the back counter.<br/>“I’m the one that’s moving out!” Octavia protested<br/>“Let’s call Mama G and let her decide.”<br/>“You know she would say me.”<br/>“Only one way to find out..”<br/>Clarke drowned them out, autofocusing on the sound of the cupboards closing and glass clinking as she pulled out three mugs and set them on the counter by the coffee pot. She stared at the three lined up together, the way she had seen them countless times over the years. All of them would have been thrown in the garbage by any other person, but not them. Octavia's was a mug that her highschool rugby team had made her in her junior year, their school colors of white and blue marbled on the surface with the caption "World's Best Captain" in big black letters. Ravens mug was an old white NASA mug, with the handle super glued back on. The front of it read "I NEED MY SPACE" next to the logo. Their dad had gotten it for her when he took all of them to the space museum, Raven the only one being truly charmed at the age of 15. Clarke's was one she had painted herself, on an incredibly rare occasion where her and her mother spent the day together, just the two of them. Clarke's mom had (poorly) painted a tree, and Clarke had painted a field of flowers, the front ones in focus while the background looked to be a sea of color. There was a chip on the left side of the lip, and she could never remember how it got there. She studied the three mugs as the coffee trickled into the pot in front of her, filling the air with the familiar smell of Saturday mornings. Today would be the last day that the flowers and NASA would be joined by World's Best Captain. She smiled softly, her fingertips lightly tapping the countertop.<br/>They all sat at the island, drinking coffee and exchanging stories about their favorite- and least favorite times- during their time living together. They bounced around from childhood tales to present confessions, interrupting each other and laughing so hard Clarke's abdomen started to hurt.<br/>"You did not."<br/>"I did." Octavia gasped out between laughter<br/>"Why didn't you ever tell me?"<br/>"You would've killed me back then." Raven wiped a tear away, chuckling still.<br/>"You're probably right." She admitted "I forgive you now."<br/>"Thank you, I promise to never do it again.<br/>"I don't think you could. I'm honestly not even mad, mostly impressed." The laughter died down between them all as they took each other in, and then the space around them, some boxes already stacked up by the door, some scattered around mostly finished.<br/>"Alright, should we start packing everything down?" Clarke suggested, and both of the girls nodded. "Go wake lincoln up, O"<br/>"No, he had a late night yesterday. I'm going to let him sleep in."<br/>"Are you kidding me? You woke me up, but you won't wake him up?"<br/>"I'm not in love with you, Clarke."<br/>"You're not?! I guess I've been reading this all wrong" Octavia shoved her. "Seriously though, Linc is a fucking powerhouse, we need his help with your furniture."<br/>"Nah, we're all strong women. We've got this" Raven chimed in.<br/>"You're on her side?!"<br/>"Yeah! Let the poor dude sleep."<br/>"I'm going back to bed" Clarke threatened, turning on her heels. She was grabbed by two sets of hands.<br/>"No you don't" Raven said, pulling her back. A smile broke out on Clarke's face despite playing her part of disgruntled helper. Octavia placed a quick kiss on her cheek and she folded, giving up her fight against them.<br/>"Alright! Let's get started" Raven beamed, rubbing her hands together. "I get first dibs on anything she forgets."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bear with me, I'm figuring this out with you all.<br/>The start was "current." There was then a flash back to two years previous. We are now back to current!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Clarke let her hands drop to her sides, the pounding clearly not drawing anyone to her. She paced the room, looking again for any indication as to where she was. Like the last thirteen times she had done this, nothing was evident. The room got lighter and darker, though no lights were visible. She expected that it was to signify day and night, but that couldn't be true. There had been at least six light changes now, but she wasn't hungry. She didn't need to use the restroom, which was fantastic, because there wasn't one in the room. She didn't really feel much of anything. She gave up on pacing and sat down on the bed, her head in her hands. Everything had felt muted when she had woken up. She kept thinking about what happened before she was in this strange place, but the details were escaping her. Everything seemed more fuzzy the more she tried to remember it. Regardless of the few things she could remember, it didn't explain where she was, or how she got there. Was she in a psych ward? A recovery room? At first she thought maybe she had woken up in a dream, but this was far too long for a dream. Too real, even with the odd lack of feeling she had. The only thing she knew was where she was not, and that was the hospital… or her home.. or any place she was at all familiar with, really. She sighed, pressing the heel of her hand into her eyes. She stood up again and resumed her ceiling to floor examination of the room, following every seam with the tip of her finger.<br/>
Lay. Pace. Pound. Sit. Lay. Pace. Pound. Sit. The cycle continued over an over, peppered now with yelling, or jumping on the bed. Ripping the sheets off. Moving the desk. Her routine was interrupted by these bouts of erraticism, but nothing changed. She supposed that wasn't actually true, as she sat on the table with her legs swinging. She was changing. She felt paranoid and anxious as each moment passed. She slid off the table and walked to the door, staring blankly. She had no concept of time anymore, no understanding of the situation. Had it been hours? It felt like days but that couldn't be true, according to her body systems. It's not that she didn't feel hungry, it's that she didn't really feel anything. She sat down, criss cross on the floor, eyes still on the door. She started counting by the seconds.<br/>
14,572. 14,573. 14,574. The door handle moved. Clarke stopped counting, her heart jumping up into her throat. She moved to push herself up into a less vulnerable position when the door pushed open and a woman stepped in. She held nothing in her hands, and her attire was simple, if not a little outdated. Her reddish/brown hair was pinned back messily, small curls falling into her face. She startled upon seeing Clarke in the floor, half sitting half crouching. They took each other in for a moment, eyes locking.<br/>
"Uh, hello" the woman greeted, voice soft. Clarke did not respond. "I wasn't expecting you to be awake yet. Do you mind if I come in?" Clarke nodded, and the woman waited until Clarke was fully stood to enter the room.<br/>
"Would you like to take a seat?"<br/>
"There are no chairs" the woman only raised her brow, pulling a chair out from the table. Clarke blinked her eyes rapidly, trying to make sense of the situation. She had paced this room over and over. Run her hand over every surface. There were no chairs. She backed up until her back hit the wall.<br/>
"I don't want to sit."<br/>
"Okay, that's okay." The woman responded warmly, sitting down in the chair instead. "How are you feeling?"<br/>
"Who are you? Where am I?"<br/>
"Oh right, I'm so sorry for the lack of introductions. I'm Luna!"<br/>
"Where am I? Why are you here?"<br/>
"I'm just here to talk. How about you answer my first question, and we can start from there."<br/>
"I'm feeling really fucking confused."<br/>
"That's perfectly understandable. I would be confused, too."<br/>
"Why am I here?"<br/>
"Well, that's a complicated question. Let's come back to that one. What do you remember, before being here?"<br/>
"I remember working, and helping Raven with her PT. I don't know, it's all a little blurry." Luna jotted a few things down on her notepad, nodding softly. Her hands had been empty. The silence in the room was only broken by the pen scratching against paper, but it's didn't sound right, not really.<br/>
"What is this place?" Luna looked up, her eyes still soft.<br/>
"It's a room to help you."<br/>
"Help me with what?"<br/>
"Help you to.. adjust. You've been through a lot, Clarke."<br/>
"Who gave you my name?"<br/>
"It was in your file." She motioned to the papers in her hand.<br/>
"What else is in there? What happened to me?"<br/>
"These are all really big questions. Let's take this slowly." Clarke took a few steps forward, trying to look more threatening than she felt.<br/>
"I don't want to take anything slowly. I want to know where I am, and why I'm here."<br/>
"I understand that, but unfortunately things are very delicate right now. You'll have answers in time, but you need to be patient with me, and yourself."<br/>
"That would be a lot easier if I knew why you were here."<br/>
"I'm a psychologist, Clarke. I'm only here to help."<br/>
"So I snapped? I had a breakdown?"<br/>
"I wouldn't call it that. You have a very strong mind. You're quite extraordinary, really."<br/>
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?"<br/>
"You should rest, Clarke."<br/>
"What? No. I don't want to rest, I want to understand what's going on."<br/>
"Rest will help you do that."<br/>
"Why can't you tell me?"<br/>
"I'm afraid that's not how this works."<br/>
Clarke moved to step in front of the door, but Luna beat her to it, slipping out and closing it behind her with a soft click before Clarke could stop her. Her hands hit the handle the moment it shut, and she wrenched the handle wildly. Like before, it didn't budge. Clarke felt hot tears roll down her face as she pressed her back to the door and slid down onto the ground.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Current</p><p>Luna had come back three times, and Clarke had no idea of the intervals in between, or the duration of her stays. The only thing that was constant was that she always managed to slip away before Clarke could stop her. The second time Clarke just screamed at her and Luna left almost immediately. Clarke didn't do that again. <br/>"I'm not here to upset you, Clarke." Luna had calmly explained the third time. Clarke bit her lip and nodded, throat tight. They talked a lot about Clarke's past. Luna asked questions about the last thing she could remember-before the room- until her vision was swimming and her head pounded. <br/>When the door opened this time, Luna had no clipboard with her. <br/>"Would you like to go for a walk?" <br/>"Where?"<br/>"Just inside the building" Clarke nodded, approaching Luna and the door with caution, as if it was a joke. Sure enough, Luna stepped to the side and let Clarke exit the room first. The hallway was as bare as the room. Nothing on the walls, no patterns on the floor. The light was the same as it was in her room, a constant glow with an unknown source. She stepped gingerly, taking in her surroundings. The doors were numbered, all equally spaced and closed. Her door was number one. But it was in the very back. Luna started walking at a slow pace, waiting for Clarke to match her step. Her head was on a swivel as she followed Luna closely, searching for any sign of where she was. <br/>"Are we underground?"<br/>"What makes you ask that?"<br/>"There are no windows."<br/>"You're right, but no. We aren't underground." <br/>"So we are in the middle of a building."<br/>"Not quite." Clarke shot her a glance, but Luna wasn't going to explain further, regardless of how hard Clarke had pressed. She grinded her teeth together and stayed silent instead. Luna led her down the hall to a stairway that she started descending. Clarke followed without hesitation this time, their footsteps falling flat with sound as the walls seemed to absorb them. Clarke ran her hand along the gray wall, fingers never meeting a groove or imperfection. <br/>"Can we go to a bathroom?" <br/>Luna faltered. <br/>"Why?" <br/>"I need to use one."<br/>"For what?"<br/>"Who asks that? I just need to."<br/>"Clarke. Why."<br/>"To get some water? To pee? Normal bathroom stuff."<br/>"Are you thirsty?" The question made her miss a step, and she stumbled forward. Luna caught her by the arms, and they locked eyes.<br/>"I.. no."<br/>"Do you need to pee?" Clarke furrowed her eyebrows.<br/>"I don't."<br/>"Then you don't need a bathroom."<br/>"How long have I been here?"<br/>"What?"<br/>"How long have I been here?" Her voice was stronger this time, though it still cracked.<br/>"I'm not sure of the exact time, Clarke."<br/>"Why am I not thirsty?" Luna turned and continued to walk down the stairs.<br/>"Luna." She stopped. "Why am I not thirsty?" Luna faced Clarke again, her expression looked tired, almost. <br/>"Why aren't you thirsty, Clarke?" Clarke's mouth opened slightly, her mind churning. <br/>"Has someone been drugging me?"<br/>"Would that be a reasonable explanation for you?"<br/>"A reasonable.. what? Why can't you just answer me?"<br/>"They aren't my answers to give."<br/>"Who can give me them?"<br/>"Only yourself."<br/>"What the fuck is going on, Luna." Clarke had stopped following her entirely, and she stood 5 steps above Luna. Even with the short distance, Clarke could see Luna regarding her, could see the gears of thought turning as she did so.<br/>"Take a deep breath in, Clarke."<br/>"I don't need to calm down."<br/>"I never said you did. Take a deep breath." Clarke complied, taking a deep breath in and letting it out. <br/>"Okay? Now what."<br/>"Now think about it."<br/>"About being drugged?"<br/>"No. About your breath." The request made Clarke frown. She took another deep breath in through her nose, and let it out through her mouth. She felt her lungs expand, felt the rush of breath leave her mouth. She listened to the sound, steady but a little quiet.<br/>"It feels like normal."<br/>"Then you aren't ready."<br/>"For what?"<br/>"To have answers."<br/>"That makes no sense."<br/>"Nothing here will, until you're ready."<br/>"So I've gathered."<br/>She continued down the stairs, and Clarke followed her this time, focusing on her breathing. They exited the stairwell about three stories down, and stepped into another hallway, this one was much different than the last. There was art on the walls, the light was brighter, and there were sitting stations in little cubbies spotted along the far wall. Clarke watched a door open and jumped back as two people stepped out, chatting and smiling at one another. The man was in a striped jacket with a turtleneck underneath, and wide legged slacks, holding the door open as the girl stepped past him, wearing an elaborate lace lined dress with a strange hat that was tied underneath her chin with a light blue string. <br/>"I'll see you soon, Margaret." <br/>"Until then, William!" <br/>Clarke watched the two strange people part ways, adorned in clothes she had never seen out in public before. Despite her situation, she had to stifle a giggle.<br/>"Why are they dressed like that?" Clarke whispered to Luna<br/>"It's what they feel most comfortable in." Luna shrugged. "You get used to it." She continued down the hall, waving to the man-William- before he turned back into the room and closed the door. Clarke managed to sneak a look before it was shut fully, and caught sight of a couch the color of burnt orange, and a clunky typewriter on the desk. There was an ashtray on the desk, and in that moment she smelled cigarette smoke at once. <br/>"He's allowed to smoke in here?"<br/>"We barely notice it." Luna brushed the question off like it was no big deal.<br/>"But there must be rules against it, regardless of that this place is." Luna spared her a sideways glance, calculating.<br/>"There are rules, you could say. But that's not one of them" <br/>"Where the fuck am I" Clarke muttered under her breath, mostly to herself. She didn't miss the way that a soft, sad smile flickered onto Luna's face for a moment before she neutralized her expression. The doors here looked entirely different from one another, all customized and strange. A bead curtain, a dense oak door, a bright orange stained glass, each with name tags next to them. She glanced at a few of them, but didn't recognize any of the names. They turned a corner and Luna led them into a room behind a dark, heavy door. The tag to the left read "Luciana" in long, beautiful letters .The inside of the room was busy, with a large globe on the thick wooden desk and deep red curtains covering a window. Clarke itched to open them, but sat down in the ornate chair that Luna gestured to. She sunk into it and shifted, getting comfortable. <br/>"How's the chair?"<br/>"It's uh.. big" Clarke supplied, shifting again. <br/>"Did it feel like you expected it to?"<br/>"What?"<br/>"When you saw the chair, and went to sit down, you expected it to feel a certain way, did you not?"<br/>"I guess so?"<br/>"And did it feel like that?"<br/>"I mean.. yes? I'm not really sure." She changed positions again, and the fabric started to feel itchy on her exposed skin. Luna nodded and pulled out a box of odd knicknacks, all varying sizes and shapes. She walked around her desk and handed the box to Clarke.<br/>"What's this for?"<br/>"Just for you to interact with."<br/>"But why?"<br/>"Humor me." Clarke rolled her eyes and picked up the first item, a round metal ball. It was cold and heavy, she let it roll around in her palm a moment before dropping it into the box and picking up the next item- a small wooden horse. <br/>"What do you think of my office?" Clarke hesitated.<br/>"It's nice."<br/>"Be honest."<br/>"It seems really old."<br/>"What about it seems old?"<br/>Clarke looked around the room at it all again. There was a quill resting next to a glass bottle, simple and small. The paper on the desk was old and messy, less white than yellow. Upon further examination, the desk had score marks and ink stains, it looked like it had lived a long life. Dust filled the air and the light coming through the curtains cast a rich red glow throughout the space. The longer she took in the room, the more she noticed. The smell, being one of them. It was a musty and woody, thick without being stifling. It smelled like wet Earth and an abandoned closet all at once. Luna looked around as well, a smile cracking through her concentration. She seemed to be watching the swirling particles of dust now, eyes flicking around the room. <br/>"Everything about it seems old… like, centuries old"  Clarke broke the silence.<br/>"I suppose you're right. It does seem old, doesn't it?" <br/>"Is this your office?"<br/>"It is"<br/>"The name on the door, Luciana, is that your full name?" Luna nodded at this, her eyes back on Clarke. <br/>"It is, but I prefer Luna. Luciana feels like a lifetime away." Clarke giggled softly<br/>"Very old and introspective for, what, a person in their late 20's?" At this, Luna responded with a full bodied laugh, rich and ringing. She was beautiful, really. <br/>"I'd imagine that does seem rather odd" she supplied, waving her hand through the air. <br/>"Do you really use your ink and quill?"<br/>"I do!"<br/>"Why? I've seen you use pens."<br/>"It's just comfortable for me. I suppose I like the novelty of it."<br/>"Can I use it?"<br/>Luna thought for a moment, and then nodded her head. <br/>"If that is how you'd like to spend your time here, of course."<br/>Clarke accepted a pad of paper in her hands and traced her finger around the edges. Luna handed her the ink and quill, and Clarke balanced the ink carefully on the wide arms of the couch. Luna sat back down at her desk as Clarke studied her surroundings. Luna scribbled through her paperwork, setting down her pen every once in a while to read a page. Clarke twirled the quill between her fingers for a while before dipping it in the ink and starting on the paper in front of her. At first she just made different strokes, long and short, pressing the tip down at different pressures. Satisfied that she understood a bit more about the apparatus, she flipped to a blank page and started again, drawing the room laid out in front of her. They stayed silent for some time, sharing a space but not acknowledging one another. Clarke had no idea how long she was down there, but the light was starting to fade. Eventually, Luna shuffled her work and nodded at the pile, satisfied. She pushed back her chair and walked around to stand beside Clarke, examining what Clarke was doing. She didn't look up as she finished the last strokes of the drawing before pulling the quill back from the paper. <br/>"I think I may have used a serious amount of your ink" Clarke mused. Luna released a soft chuckle<br/>"There's no worry, I haven't run out yet. Your drawing is extremely beautiful."<br/>Clarke tilted her head and looked at the finished work, pursing her lips. <br/>"It could be better. It always takes me a while to get used to new styles of drawing.<br/>"Maybe you can try again tomorrow." Luna said softly, extending her hand. Clarke set the paper on the other arm of the chair and let Luna help her up. <br/>"And tomorrow will be the day that you finally tell me where I am?"<br/>"How about tomorrow will be the day that you tell me."<br/>"Will you ever be straightforward with me?' Luna opened the door for them and Clarke walked out ahead, the hall now darker and void of anyone. <br/>"One day. Soon, I hope."<br/>"That makes the both of us." Clarke gruffed as she followed Luna back to the room. She looked for any details, any clear indicator as to where she was. There was nothing, not even an exit sign. As she scaled the stairs and walked the bare hallway to the room in the back, she thought that was fitting.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>She do be angry.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Current</p><p>Luna sighed as she went over her notes again, trying to form new ideas and a personalized plan. She pushed her loose sleeves up and looked down at herself, sighing. She hated changing out of these clothes, but it was necessary for appearances. If she was being honest with herself, this was going to be one of the hardest things she had ever done. Clarke was different, in every way possible. There simply had never been anyone that had done what she had. Luna liked a challenge, and she was proud to have been chosen. What she didn't know was if she was fully equipped for it. She started her journey to the 7th floor, where Clarke was waiting for her excitedly.<br/>"Can you get me a change of clothes?"<br/>"Uh. Sure? Tomorrow." Clarke looked like she wanted to fight that, but nodded instead. <br/>"So someone must be drugging me." Luna rolled her eyes, though Clarke couldn't see it. <br/>"What, no response? Come on. I haven't eaten. It's been days at least. I haven't used the bathroom, for Christ's sake." Luna suppressed a laugh, not for Clarke's confusion, but her choice of words.<br/>"If that feels like an acceptable explanation for you." She supplied blandly. Clarke scoffed.<br/>"I wouldn't say acceptable."<br/>"Does it make sense, Clarke?" She held the door open and Clarke stepped out into the hallway with her, brows pushed together. Luna assumed it was an equal mixture of confusion and anger. <br/>"Nothing makes sense. That's why I think someone is drugging me."<br/>"Okay."<br/>"Okay, like I'm right?"<br/>"Okay, like you think you're right."<br/>"You're infuriating" Luna fought the urge to smile, Clarke was bold and feisty and didn't hold her tongue. Luna liked her. The last person Luna had helped was calm, concise, and already had some understanding, as they all had. Everyone except for Clarke. Luna took every precaution as she led the way, they went down the center stairwell, so no windows would be visible. She had closed every opened door on the way to get Clarke, and was diligent to make sure that they remained closed on the way back through. There were people in the hall on their floor, but despite orders, Luna was not going to keep Clarke trapped in the tiny room until she understood. <br/>"Luna!" She swung her head to see Gustus calling her over. She paused for a moment, looking to Clarke. Sharp as ever, Clarke was trying to see behind Gustus and into the room he had just stepped out of. Luna wasn't going to let Gustus know that she was breaking protocol, but couldn't necessarily blow him off without explaining. <br/>"Wait here, please" she told Clarke, fear spiking. It had been quite some time since she had felt fear, but it was as familiar as the smell of the sea. She walked over to Gustus' door and he stepped to the side to let her pass. With one last glance thrown over her shoulder she stepped inside, and he closed the door.<br/>"I need to ask you for help with one of my patients." He explained calmly, taking a seat at his desk.<br/>"Why might that be?" Gustus had never asked her for help.<br/>"It is of the utmost importance that you keep this to yourself." <br/>"You have my word, Gustus." He nodded<br/>"It is Heda." Luna reeled, and then shook her head softly, as if to gather her thoughts.<br/>"Why is Heda coming to you?" <br/>"She is plagued with troubles of her past."<br/>"But that was so long ago." He nodded solemnly. <br/>"Countless lifetimes."<br/>"What troubles her so?"<br/>"Has our leader ever seemed like one without heavy burdens on her shoulders?"<br/>"She is stoic, of course, but I did not realize her to be hurt enough to seek help."<br/>"It took her so long to come to me. Please promise me you will not betray my trust, as I fear I have betrayed hers by telling you."<br/>"Gustus, I swear." He sighed, and pulled a thin book with lumpy pressed paper out of his top drawer, handing it to Luna.<br/>"These are my notes so far, about five talks worth. She doesn't like to give up details, and I worry that she isn't sleeping or taking any breaks."<br/>"We technically do not need to-" Luna began to reason, but stopped herself short. Everyone needed to, really. It wasn't sustainable to keep yourself going in such ways. Gustus nodded like he understood her thought process. He stood up again and walked to the door, dipping his head in thanks. <br/>"I will not keep you, but please look over these and tell me what you think."<br/>"I will, I'll talk to you soon."<br/>He opened the door and she tore her eyes off of his worried face and found Clarke to be in the same spot she had left her, but this time with company. Roan, one of Gustus' patients, was sitting next to her, talking softly. He smiled as if he had cracked a joke, but Clarke did not. She had her eyes fixed on Luna, her stare was blank. Luna felt the echoing of a heartbeat in her ribcage and she stayed still for a moment, locked in place, before Roan cleared his throat and stood, turning to Clarke.<br/>"It was nice to meet you, Clarke." He stuck his hand out for a shake, but Clarke did not accept it. She did not even acknowledge it. Roan retreated his hand and turned on his heel, shooting Gustus and Luna a strange look as he walked past them both and into the room. Gustus closed the door with a dull thud behind the two of them, which left only her and Clarke in the empty hallway. <br/>"Are you okay?" Luna asked softly as she approached. Clarke did not respond, only rose and started walking towards Luna's door. She followed at her heels, trying to read her body language. Clarke was stiff, and her movements were unnatural. Fuck. She quickly opened the door when Clarke stepped in front of it, and they both entered the room. Clarke did not sit, so Luna did not earlier. <br/>"Who was that man?" Clarke finally broke the silence<br/>"Roan, one of Gustus' patients."<br/>"And Gustus is?" <br/>"A therapist of sorts, like me."<br/>"Right. And your credentials are where?'<br/>"Excuse me?"<br/>"Well, usually therapists have them up in their office, in a frame or something. They at least usually have them in their desks." <br/>"I'm afraid I don't have one on me, Clarke."<br/>"But you do have one?"<br/>"Not exactly."<br/>"Not exactly? What the hell does that mean?" <br/>"Clarke I've been helping people for a long time, I just don't have the degree to go with it."<br/>"Oh? And what credentials do you have? What college did you attend? Practice you worked at? Did you intern anywhere?"<br/>"Why are you asking me so many questions?<br/>"Are you real?"<br/>"What?"<br/>"Are you real?"<br/>"Clarke, of course I'm real." <br/>"Are you sure? Because I'm almost positive Roan isn't."<br/>"Why do you say that?"<br/>"Did you see how he's dressed? He looks like he stepped out of my goddamn highschool history books. And he said he got the scar on his eyebrow in the Punic War? Have I lost my mind?"<br/>"No Clarke, of course not." Luna tried to interject, but Clarke was near hysteria now, pacing the room and bowling over her with quick and loud words.<br/>"And he was joking with me, he asked why I was here and I said I didn't know, and before I could ask he said something about therapy after death and laughed and I didn't understand what was so funny but then I started focusing on my breathing, right? Like you told me to" her breaths were now laborious, her voice cracking higher and louder. <br/>"Clarke, you need to-" the pacing stopped and Clarke whipped her head to shoot Luna a withering stare, her eyes full of fire.<br/>"What I need, Luna, is to know what the fuck is going on." She advanced on her, seething, her words full of bite. "What I need is to understand why if I focus on my breathing, it feels more like a memory than actual breaths. I need to know that this is all a joke, and that I'm not fucking-" she choked before the last word, the fire leaving her eyes all at once. Where she had been a force unmovable before, she merely existed with withering presence. Luna's chest ached for her.<br/>"What were you going to say, Clarke" she prodded softly, taking a tentative step forward. Clarke's head whipped up, tears in her eyes, and she turned and ran out of the door and down the hall. Luna did not chase after her, only walked out into the hall to see Clarke turn into the familiar staircase and presumably run back up the stairs and to that little bare room she had been stuck in. Luna pressed back into her desk, her head resting in her hands. </p><p> </p><p>The walk to Hedas tower was a long one, through twisted streets and alleyways. As the city started to thin, the tower stood bold and leaning on the horizon, framed by distant mountains and always clear sky. Pavement turned to crude stone and grass beneath her feet as she pressed on through the growing underbrush. One path existed from the city to her, made only by footprints and hooves. When she arrived the sky was going dark, void of the sunset colors she could almost envision when she closed her eyes and thought about her days watching the sun sink below the line of the ocean from the rocking wooden deck. She climbed the tower stairs step by step, dread growing as she closed the distance. She stood outside of the large oak doors for some time, before finding her courage and knocking, just one steady rap against them. <br/>"Enter" she followed the command and bowed low upon entry, and heard a huff of laughter from the other side of the room. <br/>"You do not need to bow, after all this time."<br/>"It is only a sign of respect." <br/>"Respect is for the living, Luna. You are my equal." Luna knew this wasn't true, she couldn't do a fraction of the things Head could in this place. No one could. <br/>"She is aware, Heda."<br/>"Already?" Luna nodded<br/>"Roan, he told her."<br/>"How did Roan get to her? What do you mean he told her?"<br/>"I'm sorry, Heda. I released her from her room. I thought she needed to experience things other than that room. I got distracted for one moment, and Roan told her. He did not mean to, he didn't know."<br/>Hedas' rage was visible as she rose from her desk, her hand coming up to rub at her tensed jawline. <br/>“Did she turn hollow?”<br/>“I do not think so, she ran back to her room.”<br/>“You did not see to her?”<br/>“I came straight here.” Luna was staring at the ground before Heda’s feet now, and fought the urge to drop down to her knees in the face of such power. It practically emanated off of her in waves, hot and angry.<br/>“Bring me to her.”<br/>“Heda, I don’t think-”<br/>“Now.” Luna only nodded, and stifled a small gasp when she looked up to meet her eyes. Heda’s face was streaked with her warpaint now, sharp and dark. Luna shivered and must have shown fear, as Heda seemed to soften slightly, her dark streaks slowly fading into nothingness. It made her look younger, without them. Luna knew better, than to fear her any less.</p>
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